when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
