Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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