I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
