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She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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