Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
