just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
