im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
