Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
