I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
