I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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