I can't watch pbs sober anymore
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
