God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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