Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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