I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
