I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Randomize
