I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
