they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
