just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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