someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize