My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
