So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
