I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
