My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Sext me about skeletons
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
