Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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