Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
