What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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