i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
