she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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