:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize