NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
