My liver just broke up with me...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
