Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The Olympian is in my bed
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
