Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
