remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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