I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
