I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize