There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm just crazy horny about you
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
