o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
