I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
worst night to have a conscience
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
