It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
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He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
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I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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