Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
