last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
try to milk me bitch
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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