Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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