he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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