god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
