Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
