Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
