There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
