i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
