She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
