You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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