I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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