she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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