Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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