We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
